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| T-Giving |
| 11.28.03 (12:03 pm) [edit] |
Well i didn't i am happy that technically the weekend has not started yet. i feel pretty rested. had a good time with andy on wend. and went with my parent's to their friend's house on thanksgiving. i wanted to spend the holiday with them, i feel bad going to andy's family events everytime and since he already had plans at his aunts we were seperate. which brought on the questions....so where is he? why isn't he here? Later in the evening i went with friends to Trio, again without andy because he wasn't back yet. More questions my way....Where's andy? where is your better half? ect ect ect.....this is makes me mad everytime it happens. i wish people wouldn't ask. i know they mean nothing by it, but to me it's like i can't go anywhere without him. like we're the same person.
i woke up today at 12pm...that never happens. nadya called with the story of what happened after we parted ways last night. turns out lina's husband, brandon got into a fight. an actual fight. what's wrong with him? granted we all drank, but that's ridiculous. how old are we? and then proceded to get into a fight with all of the friends in the car, lina included. i had to call her and find out how she was doing without asking her what actually happened. sometimes i feel like a double agent with my friends. she says that she's only partially talking to him....but what does that mean.....???
i don't know what i am going to do today. have the house to myself and andy called. this evening is my high school reunion. i think i want to go. even for a few minutes. not sure why, it's not like high school was my "time". i feel so different now. used to be shy and unapproachable. and i am so much more cuter :oops: ....not sure who's going to be there but i feel like looking. almost like being a fly on the wall in my own past.
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| The Game |
| 11.25.03 (10:05 am) [edit] |
so here i am waiting for yet another delayed staff meeting, having the fluorescent lights slowly disintegrate my life force. talked to Rebecca today and she's under the opinion that I won't be able to withstand not talking to Tom when he goes online. Well he's online and I am full of questions as to why he's not talking to me. Why end our friendship? Are we reverting to where we start? If so, then why? WHY WHY WHY.... He still hasn't replied to the joking question email about his job that I sent yesterday. He knows I want him to talk to me, so therefore against my own bursting desire I WILL NOT INITIATE ANYTHING. i am a grown woman and don't need to involve myself in games, but this seems exactly like what I am doing. I'll play the "I won't talk to you either" game. I don't even think that if we were to resume our talks that it would ever be the same. i would still have the same questions brewing on my mind. so what am i really waiting for here? not his friendship apparently. i just want to know why he bothered in the first place, what changed, and what does he think he'll accomplish by not talking to me. So i continue to be alone with a Q&A session in my head.
I got angry at Andy this morning to because of vacation plans. I don't want to be the one always planning stuff. He sets the limitations and I plan. I called and yelled. Was very rude of me, but at least it looks like we're getting somewhere with the plans.
still no idea about thanksgiving. i want to cook something. i found the greatest app recipe on epicurious.com for STILTON AND QUINCE JAM PUFF PASTRIES. maybe also find the recipe for that roasted squash and pignolia nuts i had in MN.
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| Later in the Evening... |
| 11.24.03 (7:14 pm) [edit] |
tomorrow is my friday. i am working from home on wednesday which means sleeping until 5 minutes before work starts. :wink:
i just want the work week to be over. i have so much to do during the weekend. thanksgiving - no plans. not sure if my parents will celebrate or if andy's will plan something. I feel like just spending the whole holiday in the tub.
my thoughts again about tom, i am done obsessing. (self denial) he's not worth getting all worked up for. my fear is though that i may see him during thanksgiving with her on his arm (nothing against that) but I will def. feel akward. Lots of ummmss and turning red....you know, my idea of a good day. realize now that i miss him purely as a friend.
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| Today |
| 11.24.03 (11:38 am) [edit] |
i can't help it .he's on my mind. not the way he was before but i am missing him. probably in disappointment and most likely because I liked the attention that I don't have now. He was always there and always available, I was rarely on the other hand. Now it's reversed. Why is that? I hardly payed attention before.
I am disappointed he turned out a liar after his whole self confession about being true to himself and open to life. He was interested, I reacted, I confronted it, he ran away. What a great course of events!
I've told only one person and I don't want to be overbearing her with all these thoughts but they are screaming to get out. Even my paintings are darker. More green in them.
Also, I think I am a little angry at myself for not paying as much attention to Andy or any of my friends. I was actually thinking of consiquenses of cheating and weighing my options, something I never do. Cheating is the lowest. What exactly was I missing from my life that I felt like he would add to? I have no idea. I am glad that I made the decision to stick to what's right and didn't act on anything he was tempting me to do. Temptation really is the route of all evil.
First he gets me interested. It was NOT casual flirting. There were no misread signs. I know he was interested. HE TOLD ME. He started talking to me every single day and every single day I talked back. I went to his apartment! TWICE!!!!! We usually see each other only once per 3 months, if that. This was guide book, not a guess. At no point did we talk about Andy or his fiance. And when I finally bring up what he's looking for he frets. The next thing I know he's proclaiming his deep and passionate love for his significant other, and telling me that I shouldn't settle but look for something that makes me happy. Then all is silent.
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